Large

"I am large, I contain multitudes."

-a guy who has just eaten too many shrimp

Goals

“I want to make a film with Mike Tyson about the early Frankish kings.” 

-Werner Herzog 

I mean, get in line, buddy.

Truth from the Mouths of Babes

  

"It's hard to spot marshmallows when you're so short."
-Remy

Fashion

  

"I don't like your outfit because it's not PINK!"
-Kiva, unprompted

Secrets

 

"I have a secret workshop, and I’m not allowed to tell you about it. But you’ll probably find it anyway, because of the sign."

 

-Remy, 7

The Bull of Happiness

 

An actual exchange between me and my seven-year-old niece:

 

REMY: (a propos of nothing) The Bull of Happiness!

 

ME: The Bull of Happiness? What’s that?

 

REMY: It’s just a bull that eats everybody and makes everybody sad.

 

It’s official. I have nothing left to teach this child.

Vibes

 

The coffee shop had a sign on the door that said “Good Vibes Only,” so just as an experiment, I walked in with a really bad vibe.

Was thrown out immediately. They are NOT kidding around with that stuff.

Philosophy

 

Sometimes I think that the whole purpose of philosophy is gratitude, and that any line of thought which does not end in gratitude is simply a waste of time.

Dialogue with Kiva

 

KIVA (age 3): Carry me upstairs!

 

ME (age 43): You can walk upstairs yourself, Kiva.

 

KIVA (lifting her arms adorably): Pleeeeeeeeaaase?

 

ME (instantly giving in): Okay, okay...

 

DARCY: Uncle Keith is a sucker.

 

KIVA (punching me repeatedly in the arm as I carry her): Sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker...

Representation

 

Types of people I don’t need to see represented in media anymore:

1. Ugly people (gross!)
2. Attractive people (make me feel bad!)
3. Average-looking people (so boring!)

Types of people that I DO need to see represented more in media:

1. Cartoon foxes

The Woodwork

  

Has it occurred to anyone to just check ahead of time what’s IN the woodwork?

But Not Often

 

My three-year-old niece informed me yesterday that her favorite phrase is "but not often."

 

I have no idea what to do with this information.

 

Inspiration

 

You can’t do it all, but do your best. If you can’t do your best, do someone else’s best. Ideally someone better than you.

Fun New Names for the Days of the Week

 

Someday

Mumday

Tubesday

Wormsday

Thrusty

Friedegg

Samurai

The Bard

 

“There’s a divinity with a shapely end. Rough-hewn. Her name is May. She’s from Providence. Her best friend is a sparrow.”

-William Shakespeare

Source

 

I wish I could remember where I first heard the term “source amnesia”…

Coffee

 

I like my coffee like I like my women, and I refuse to elaborate.

The Builder

 

I have built

Cathedrals of hope

And watched them shatter

In a breath of wind.

 

Even as they tumbled,

They were beautiful –

A million shards

Catching a sunset light.

 

And you asked me,

What was the purpose?

But all I could do was smile –

 

And watch the shower, and begin again

In the freshness of new morning,

With only a humble brick of glass,

A fragile mortar,

And a joyful heart.

 

Cloudburst

 

Once again the heat broke with the rain,

And the sun came out as soon as it stopped,

With hours left to shine before nightfall,

And the world was clean, as clean as a new soul.

Seneca Creek

 

A sunbeam looked solid

In the corner of my eye

As if the turbid water

Had frozen it amber-wise,

 

Or time itself had stopped,

With only me still moving,

Slipping down the river

Like a summer ghost.